I Believe in Magic

I love movies that change my life for the better. I've always loved the Peter Pan movies, so called in my head because of their ability to recreate the magic and wonder of childhood, or really, the power of faith and love. The Little Princess, Hook, Nanny McPhee, The Secret Garden (I love the musical version passionately), Enchanted, Pollyanna, Scrooge (the musical, with Albert Finney), Finding Neverland... Some are cheesy, some definitely have their weak moments, but overall they inspire me with the belief that hope, goodness and purity do exist out there somewhere. Yes I know they're just movies, but somebody out there had to believe in them enough to make them. That's the magic right there.

Recently I had an epiphanous moment. ("epiphanous"? Is that a word?) In Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Mr. Magorium's assistant Molly Mahoney (played by Natalie Portman) is frustrated and "stuck." As a youth she was an award winning pianist with a brilliant future... but she had somehow failed to make that future materialize. She had forgotten to believe in her own magic. Luckily, she worked for the far sighted and quirky Mr. Magorium (could have done without the accent), who saw all of Mahoney's internal sparkle, though she did not. In the end, he helped her discover that her real magic, her real purpose, was not necessarily as a concert pianist or composer. Her magic lay her ability to bring the toy store to life, as he did, and in the end she learned to channel her inner powers to resurrect color and vibrancy and whimsy after Mr. Magorium died.

So here is my epiphany. Besides all the great one-liners, amusing and metaphorical toy store moments, the charming relationship between Eric and The Mutant (the accountant), and the insights on death ("it's an opportunity for another great story to begin"), I realized that I, like Mahoney, had somewhat skewed vision of what my life was "supposed" to hold. I, like her, had a brilliant, overachieving adolescence and a highly successful college and work experience. Then, children came and all of the professional and educational accolades stopped as my life took upon itself the quieter, much more challenging character of parenthood.

I was not one of those mothers who automatically slipped into stay-at-home mode with ease and delight, though my deep love for each of my children gets me through a lot of the fatigue, constant emotional wear, and physical labor. Motherhood is by far the hardest job I have ever had, and by far the least validating. I guess I am a pleaser - I thrived for so many years on the gratification of winning top grades and scholarships, the admiration of my professors and bosses, and doing difficult things well. I didn't know, and I'm just discovering, how to transfer that ability to do difficult things (besides just physically getting it all done), to motherhood.

I need to remember that though I'm not exactly getting report cards from heaven, I'm still being "graded" in my most important job of all, and I need to rise more to the occasion. My children need a mother who does more than just feed and clothe them - I need to continuously help them see, explore and create their own miracles, big and small. And to use my magic, because it is there, to help me and my family create a masterpiece out of this lovely, crazy, terrible, confusing, glorious life, rather than just getting through it day by day.

I wish it were as easy, or as immediate, as Mahoney's ability to use her faith and magic fingers to manage that magical toy store (and I sometimes really wish I got her nights off!). It is an ongoing process. I do have great moments of creativity and energy, as this blog sometimes documents, but I know I can do better. I'm rededicated to it now. Thank you to the insightful believers who had the courage to make this movie and help those of us who needed to find our "sparkle."

This is one of those movies that if you "get" it, you love it, but if you don't, all you can see are the negatives and you walk away confused, irritated or bored. It's not something that one can explain to another - you have to have the key to that secret kingdom already, or at least an open heart to want to find it. Kind of like reading the book The Little Prince, or thrilling to the first crocus buds in spring, or understanding why Anne Shirley needed a bosom friend - it's magic for you or it's not.

I'm so grateful for the magic.